you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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