He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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