went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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