I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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