Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
