I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
