Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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