My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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