my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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