Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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