I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
