I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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