Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
