You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
