turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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