haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize