You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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