good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
