i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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