Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
