the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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