I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
