I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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