So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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