the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize