I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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