I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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