The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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