not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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