She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
