You're my little dorito
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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