I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
