Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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