my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
