Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
