Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
