If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
