maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
