we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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