Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
