I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
