Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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