I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
