I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
