Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Are my feet made of real feet?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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