I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
zippers are such a cool invention
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
