yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
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i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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