I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
