Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize