??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
