Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I smell stomach acid.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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