my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
