Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
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These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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