i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
wow bdsm is so cute
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