Dude my mom stole all your condoms
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
