Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
