So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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