I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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